How I’m Feeling? On My Brother’s Pending Death

February 2nd, 2023

 I’ve been in town since Tuesday(today is Thursday). I’ve been feeling this low grade sadness for about as long as Larry has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. All of this shit just came out of the blue. I was in New Orleans for my Aunt’s funeral, then months later I found out from Larry’s ex wife that he’s lost over 70 lbs and he’s been really sick. She takes him to the doctor and he’s diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctor tells me over the phone that he will begin a course of treatment that may prolong his life for up to 5 years. At this time I feel some hope.

   The treatments go well at first but it’s not reducing the tumors. We get him enrolled in a research study and that also fails to help. The treatments get worse on him and eventually the decision is made to terminate treatment efforts. He’s now in hospice care and he’s been back and forth to the hospital because of the unbearable pain .

   I feel mad at God because we all prayed and believed and yet he is still not cured. I feel pissed off because we have already lost a brother years ago to cancer. I feel angry because my brother is a good man who has been through a lot in his life and he does not deserve this. I feel sorry for him because he is suffering a lot with this and we can’t seem to fully get it under control. I also feel sad for him because his mortality is staring him in the face, and it’s something that he has to do alone(like all of us one day). And I feel scared, because I know he’s going to die soon and I don’t want to feel that shit.

   This whole situation is fucked up. Yet, I know it’s a part of life and death is a thing we all have to reckon with. 

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